


And So It Goes

by DaddysGracelessAngel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Coda, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Despair, Destiel - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, S15x18, Season 15 Episode 18, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Songfic, The Empty (Supernatural), season 15 coda, season 15 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:49:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27415255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaddysGracelessAngel/pseuds/DaddysGracelessAngel
Summary: Episode 18 as a song ficAnd So It Goes - Billy JoelCas and Dean's relationship up until now ♡
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 14





	And So It Goes

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what to say, I'm too distraught LOL Just trying to cope with these feels.
> 
> Not edited, just needed this up! ♡

_In every heart, there is a room, A sanctuary safe and strong_

Castiel's doppelganger stares into his eyes with a piercing, knowing gaze. He can feel The Empty looking through him, within him, invading every memory, thought and feeling he has ever had, even the ones Cas hasn't recognized yet. The ones he keeps tucked away in a corner of his heart, locked in a private room full of all of his vulnerabilities. 

A crazy grin stretches across his lips - no, The Empty's - and it leans into his face. 

"I have tiptoed through all your little, your tulips, your memories, your little 'feelings'", It pauses, the grin growing wider and more sinister. "Yes...I know what you hate. And WHO you love." 

Cas loves a lot of people. He loves Sam, he loves Jack, he loves - A chill runs own his spine, but he pushes away the dread. He loves a lot of people. 

_To heal the wounds of lovers past, until a new one comes along_

Before he fell from Heaven, Cas was a warrior. He had a purpose, a life, love for his Father and Family. For his Garrison, for the Heavens of people passed. He had been...content. Before he fell, he had never known anguish or happiness, only duty and the satisfaction from fulfilling it. Raising Dean from perdition had been just that. Just another mission, just another task to complete as a soldier of Heaven, following a plan that had been written since the beginning of existence. Who could have known one man, and one angel, and a profound bond between them could have the power to completely derail the order of the cosmos. 

_I spoke to you in cautious tones, You answered me with no pretense_

"The plan changed Dean. Something went wrong, you know this, something always goes wrong." 

Nothing on earth could cut the tension in the room, not an angel blade, not Billie's scythe, not the First Blade. Neither of them move, staring at each other in the thick silence. Dean regains himself quickly, the syllables rolling off his tongue which such spite, the words feel like being struck. 

"Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?"

Something in Cas breaks. He's lost Jack, and now he's lost Dean too. He's overcome with fatigue and resignation and he just - he just needs to leave. To get away from everything, from the loss of Jack, from the hurt from Dean. 

_And still I feel I said too much, My silence is my self defense_

Dean doesn't say anything as he turns his back, climbs the stairs and exits the bunker. He doesn't turn around, doesn't give Dean one last look. He needs to be strong and leave while he still can. When the door swings shut, he shudders, exhaling shakily and tightens his eyes. He's shed enough tears for Dean Winchester.

_And every time I've held a rose, It seems I only felt the thorns_

Castiel gives the sheriff the FBI line number and waits for him to call. He can't help the bubble of hope swelling in his chest when Dean picks up and asks for him. He wants Dean to tell him not to be reckless, to come back, to apologize. To ask where he is, and tell him to wait there and that he's on his way. He doesn't though, and Cas doesn't beg. He won't cave this time. 

_And so it goes, and so it goes, And so will you soon I suppose_

He thinks maybe he can do this alone. 

_But if my silence made you leave, Then that would be my worst mistake_

Dean doesn't feel anything as he watches Cas leave. Numbness seeps into his bones, the pain so deep his brain turns off his ability to feel in order to protect his breaking heart. The bunker is suddenly too cold, too empty, and Dean's frozen in place. His jaw is clenched as he stares at the spot Cas had stood. There are unspoken pleas stuck on his tongue, but his lips are pursed, and his jaw clenched tight. He doesn't have the strength to move, to run after Cas. 

But Dean didn't budge, too lost in his grief and feelings of inadequacy. He failed his mom, he failed Jack, and now, for the umpteenth time he had once again failed Cas. Dean was good at failing lots of people, especially the ones he loved, but he hadn't failed anyone as many times as he has failed Cas. Maybe it was best to let him go. Dean couldn't hurt him anymore if he was gone. 

_So I will share this room with you, And you can have this heart to break_

No. Not again. He wasn't going to lose Cas, or leave him behind again, not like had had the last time they had been in Purgatory. 

"I should have stopped you."

Dean is emotionally exhausted, overwhelmed and scared, and he lets it out this time. If Cas is out there, if Cas is still alive, he needs to know that Dean isn't leaving him alone. So he spills his heart, praying to Cas, explaining his actions, and asking Cas for forgiveness. 

When he finds Cas, he's willing to say it all over again, to tell Cas how he feels. 

"You don't have to say it. I heard your prayer". 

_And this is why my eyes are closed, It's just as well for all I've seen_

Dean feels free. Chuck is still bent on erasing existence, but he has Cas again, and they're okay. But as light as Dean feels, he can feel the familiar sinking in his chest as he regrets leaving some things unspoken in Purgatory. He'd had more to say, but Cas had given him an out, and Dean, the coward that he is, took it. He also knows Cas needs more time to forgive him. 

Maybe it was for the best. Some things were better left unsaid. 

_And so it goes, and so it goes, And you're the only who knows_

Besides, their bond is more profound than words could every describe.

_So I would choose to be with you, That's if the choice was mine to make_

Cas is waxing poetry of how Dean is the epitome of love and selflessness, and all Dean can hear is goodbye. He wants to reach out for the man, but yet again, he is frozen in place as he processes everything being said. Dean just got him back, and he was saying goodbye. For good. How could Cas say he was selfless, when all wants is for this man in front of him to stop, to shut up, and stay with him? Screw Cas' happiness, what about Dean's? What about their happiness?

"I love you". 

He's suddenly pushed aside before he realizes what's happening. Despite the tears and snot running down his face, Cas shares a happy, elated smile with Dean. He looks so beautiful, enveloped with happiness, eyes tender and filled with love as he looks at Dean for the last time. 

The Empty costumes him. 

_But you can make decisions too, And you can have this heart to break_

Dean stays still for a long time, stuck on the floor in half upright position. His heart is threatening to break his ribcage, pounding relentlessly in his chest. Gasping, he takes a deep breath, not realizing he had been holding it, and it breaks a dam. He lets out a single, despaired, body wracking sob that echoes in the empty room.

_And so it goes, and so it goes. And you're the only one...who...knows_

**Author's Note:**

> If you're 18+, come cry with us in this awesome destiel server [ Profound bond](https://https://discord.gg/profoundbond) server ^_^
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ♡


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